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Here we go again... Not saying I'm coming back regularly, but I think I'd like to. FB and IG have really taken over my gaze, as well as my drive to share, or at least where to share. I'd like something different, something where I don't feel like I'm just trading stories while waiting in line with everyone I know (and many whom I don't) for life to end. Almost 20 years ago I came across this site with... a passion? A need to create and show... show that I'm here I suppose. I wouldn't say my life was "hard", but I found myself in many situations that required some emotional processing, soul searching, reflection, and well some catharsis I guess. And what great place Deviantart was for that. Now I'm processing emotions a little less, or at least with less intensity, the gaze of my reflection has changed (but has it, really?) and I think we are always doing some soul searching. But now it's less tragic, lol. Less "important" to the next moment. And yet, it's still important enough to drive me here, of all places. So what to make of it all. I'll be 55 soon. For years I never gave age too much a thought or worry. But now, I understand what women in their 30's or 40's refer to as a biological clock. Mine is of course different, and it's more an alarm that a clock. Not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing. Some might even call it a midlife crisis, and I'm sure my actions the last couple years sort of reflect that. But now it feels like "it's on". Without getting too "deep", how long can I keep it up? The bikes, outdoorsy playing and all - at the level and intensity which keeps my interest? 40 is the new 30. 50 is the new 40. 60 is the new... Funny how the generation I find myself in is always redefining it's relationship to youth. When I was younger, things sort of concerned me like "what are doing with your life?", WHO are you going to be with, if anyone? Where are you going to be? Now, I'm caught between "how long to you have?", "Christ, it's almost over!", and "I'm going to do this as much and as well as I can, as long as I can". So maybe I'll use DA again to help me process through this state of my life, I dunno - we'll see. I've sort of just been kicking along with the crowd, not really allowing much exploration into ideas beyond here, now, next week, next bike, next dinner, movie, ect. Fast update: I'm 55 now. I have a mini ramp in my yard. A mountain bike (down from 8 at one point) and 8 BMX bikes (up from just a couple years ago). Married 12 years, live in NM, 4 cats plus one outdoor cat that adopted us.. and that's all I have to say about that for now. Lets see if this sticks...
Hello Midlife Crisis
Or whatever it is that has me building a 20" bike and relearning to ride it all over again. I was asked by a friend to document my return to the BMX world, and I'm trying find a medium to use to record it. Word or InDesign seems overkill, and notepad is too... Mr. Robot or something. Since DA sent me an email today, I thought maybe I'd try here. So, I'm 52, soon to be 53. I've been a "deviant" forever and a day, since before FB showed up, but I've been inactive longer than active by now. What can I say? Life has been worse, despite the current plague and pre-election garbage. Like many, I express most passionately when things are, well, fucked up. And that has not been the case, mostly, for the last decade. Not even when I hit 50, was rolling with the punches. But this year, something caught up with, or just caught me. Passion for things I loved doing for so long was just dormant. Not apathy or disinterest. Just lack of interest. So I sat, and for the first time in a while, I more or less watched life happen to me, rather than make any attempt to steer it's course. Covid? Maybe, but I doubt it. Marriage is cool, wife rocks. It's not about her, either. I think the idea of mortality has really finally made it's way in to my head. And I can't shake it. Nothing pending, other than the idea the dance is more than half way over, possibly 2/3 over, depending on genetics and luck. And I'm not digging it. So this year, I've let myself slide, really far out of shape, overweight, and passionately disconnected. And now begins the crawl and clawing back out of this hole I created for myself. I'm angry. I'm angry I'm mortal, and even more angry that those I hold dear are mortal. I'm angry I let myself stagnate. And angry I don't know what comes next. So time to channel that in to something positive. Whether it's venting, or somehow finding a way to passionately express... whatever. It's time.
I'll delve more in to the BMX thing, why, when, what I hope to accomplish in another post. Just needed to take a first step. Thanks for looking.
